Beth and I met early in her pregnancy. She was looking for a doula and we hit it off right away! During our prenatal visits she shared her fears about postpartum depression and wanting to do everything she could to ensure the best experience for her and her baby. Their pregnancy was a bit of a roller coaster. Several appointments with the maternal fetal specialists in Peoria, a diagnosis of bilateral clubfeet, a possible kidney problem that ended up being negative, risking in and out of care for their dream birth at the Birth Center and finally an early induction. The odds were stacked against them but I have come to see that Beth is strong. She goes with the flow and does what she can to protect her family while accepting her limitations. Her honesty during our postpartum time is refreshing and I am honored to be a safe place for her to share her struggles. We are dynamic creatures with a wide range of emotions. Postpartum is full of hormones, struggles and joys and that’s ok. It’s ok to feel all the feels at the same time and ask for help when we’re just not sure what is normal. Thank you Beth for inviting me on this journey with you. I can’t wait to see the man Jack becomes under your love!

What kind of parent do you hope to be?

One of my biggest goals as a parent is that Jack feels comfortable enough to talk to me about anything. I want him to feel safe and loved to express how he is feeling about life. I want him to know I won’t judge him and I’m there to listen and help when I can. I hope to discipline (and stick with it!) when he messes up but also sneak him extra goodies when Matt isn’t paying attention :). I hope he respects Matt and I because we earn it, not because we command it. I hope to have rules and consequences when they are broken. I mostly hope to be a parent who raises a son who loves himself completely.

What kind of parent do you see your partner to be?

Matt will be the fun, goofy, ridiculous parent. He will also not let Jack get away with anything. He will want to teach Jack how to do things himself so he can be independent. Matt will show Jack how to love and support a family. Matt will do things with Jack that I’ve said are unsafe and not to (but I expect it to a degree and appreciate that as something they’ll bond over). Matt will be more black and white with rules and leave very little room for gray areas.

Tell me your love story.

It all started when I went out with a group of friends from work. I was in the bar talking to one of the wives, Katie, and she said she had a guy I should meet. She showed me Matt’s FB profile and his profile picture was him at a Cardinals game with a giant goofy smile. I looked through his pictures and he had a German Shepherd puppy and a nice truck (two things I had been contemplating getting for myself!). Katie told me he was a ISP trooper and at least 6 feet tall. He was checking all my boxes lol. So Katie setup a lunch and I went with to scope him out. We had lunch then went to the mall for a bit.

We didn’t exchange numbers or become friends on FB. It had been several days and I was dying to talk to him again, but I also felt like he could reach out first if he was interested. Out of the blue one day I got a message on my squad car computer from Hedges.ISP and from then on we never stopped talking. We both worked midnights and texted constantly (Matt hates talking on the phone). After texting for about a month we met in person again. We took the dogs to a park and went to dinner. From early on I had a feeling he would be the man I spent my life with.

We did “long distance” for 2.5yrs, Matt proposed. Matt did an epic job with proposal. He coordinated with my Lt, dispatch center, co-workers, and my family. I got sent to a “call” to unlock a car door. When I arrived Matt was there and popped the question. He had his friend there to covertly video and photograph the whole thing. I was allowed to leave work and we went to get my nails done. Then when we went to dinner both our families were there to celebrate with us. It was the first time they had met and Matt set it all up.

We got married and had the most amazing honeymoon. We have traveled a lot our entire relationship and Bali (our honeymoon) was the best. We have supported each other through big job changes, deaths, moving, years of not knowing where his job would take us, and countless fun times! We bought our perfect forever home 1.5 yrs ago and just welcomed Jack into the world :)

Tell me the story of your babe's journey into the world.

This one you know a little bit about, since you were our doula, so I won’t be as detailed lol. Jack came into the world in a scenario that wasn’t what I ideally wanted, but in the end, it all worked out okay. Jack came two weeks early due to IUGR and my fluid levels dropped. I was induced at St. Joe and after laboring medication free for a short 5.5 hrs and pushing for 15 mins he was here! Jack has his head down low and reaaally wanted out. I didn’t get to have a water birth, but I was on my hands and knees and felt in control and proud of what my body was doing. We stayed in the hospital for 4 nights until Jack was completely stable to bring home.

What has your postpartum experience been like?

At three months postpartum these are the “highlights” I remember: hospital mesh underwear are like a gift from heaven, I felt like I would never pee right again, breastfeeding is one of the mentally hardest things I’ve ever done (the first two weeks), the emotional swings are for real, I hated wearing clothes because as soon as I got dressed Jack needed to eat again, and I was never starving but I drank SO. MUCH. water.

Aside from breastfeeding being soooo hard in the beginning the only other “dark side” of postpartum has been random burst of anger I feel. It’s been weird and uncomfortable and I thought I was alone until I read others have it too. I can go from looking at Jack and thinking he’s completely perfect then he starts screaming, won’t stop, and is interrupting something I want to do and it’s like a flipped switch. I’ve never thought about hurting him, but I just have an overwhelming feeling of not caring that he’s upset. Then just as quickly as the feelings come they go away when he stops crying. If you know other mamas with this feeling I’d actually love to talk about it. I haven’t actually talked to anyone besides Matt.

What are you most excited about in this journey?

I can’t wait to see Jack’s personality develop and watch him learn.

What are you anxious about?

All the hurdles life is going to inevitably throw at us and Jack. Although I try not to get too caught up in all that because there’s no point. Anything that’s thrown our way we can handle and I hope we raise Jack to feel the same.

What is your favorite painting or piece of art?

I don’t have an all time favorite, but one I saw the other day really hit home. It’s a blank figure of a man with holes all over his body holding the hand of a child size figure that is comprised of all the pieces taken from the man.

What features of your children’s face and body do you just love so much? Which parts of them look like you? your partner?

The size of Jack's eyes is all mamma, but his color is dad for sure! He also has Matt's toes and fingers. Beyond that I'm terrible at looking at a baby and seeing parents haha

What parts of your children have stayed the same from birth and what parts have dramatically changed?

Jack’s incredibly chill attitude hasn’t changed a bit. I have no other kids to compare him to but he’s so laid back. The most dramatic change by far is his little feet.

What activities do you do together most often? Which ones cause you to feel really present or connected with your child?

Most often we snuggle and nurse which both make me feel super connected to him. How ever my favorite thing to actually do with him is talk. This kid will chat up a storm most nights if I get close and really interact with him. He has so much to say and it’s a lot of fun jabbering back and forth.

What causes the "i love you so much i could die' reaction?

Every morning when I get him out of his bassinet. He wakes up and just lays there wide eyed and peaceful. Also anytime I get him to give me a huge gummy smile. Ahhh just melts my heart.

What parts of your parenting are you proud of and what parts are hard for you?

I have been really proud of how Matt and I have worked together. We lean on each other and pick up the slack when the other is struggling. When one of us gets too stressed or overwhelmed, the other knows to step in and give them a break. We also are very vocal about making sure during stressful times we don't turn on each other, because we are open I really think it has saved us from feeling isolated.

We also listen to the others suggestions and know that neither of us knows what we are doing, so it’s important to hear the other person out. Neither of us have ever been around babies or children very much in general. It sounds stupid, but it's hard sometimes to remember Jack is acting a certain way on purpose. He doesn't cry to annoy us or not eat because he's proving a point. For some reason I find myself having to check my emotional response and make sure I'm addressing him like an infant, not a grown person.

Is there anything else you would like to share about your experience?

Becoming parents has been a fun and exciting challenge. We have already felt a whirlwind of emotions from pregnancy to three months postpartum. Knowing Jack would have clubfeet and now working through treatment has been easier in many ways than we thought it would be and harder than we imagined at times. It is so hard to hear Jack cry with his braces when we do stretches or worry that he is going to be delayed with walking and other physical activities. We know there are other parents and children who have been dealt a much more difficult hand than we have, which brings on feelings of guilt when we feel like things are hard.

A good friend and parent of a child with special needs has reminded us several times that everyone has their challenges, and that does not take anyway anything from what we are experiencing. When we are dealing with feelings of worry, sadness, concern, anxiety, guilt, frustration, and anger--we try to remember to give ourselves grace as we work through our own challenges and not be ashamed of having all the feels.

Postpartum: Beth